By Daniel Pfeifle
As a new student living on campus, there are a lot of rules you were supposed to have read, which you didn’t. Well you’re in luck, because we did! Some of the rules that will be covered include drug and alcohol regulations, housing rules, and fire safety. Enjoy this heavily abridged, much more interesting version of the rules. Keep in mind that this is by no means an exhaustive list, these are just the rules I found relevant, funny or useful:
Let us start with what you should not do in your housing: no painting, and you can’t change the locks. The regulations also explicitly says you cannot repair anything built into your housing. You must make a work order to get it fixed, no kidding.
Additionally, there is a cover on your mattress. Do not remove it or they will bill you.
You must keep your room clean. However, there’s only one inspection, which is during week eight of the quarter.
If you are sick you must report it, no matter how severe. Yes this means colds. No, I don’t really think they actually expect you to do this. But, hey, it’s in the rules. Keep in mind there is a wellness center with some medication for minor sickness, which might make your day a little better. This is also a great place to pick up condoms to give to your responsible friends.
Wall decorations and underwriter laboratories (UL) approved lights are allowed so long as they don’t present a fire hazard. UL-approved lights have to fit a long, boring list of regulations, but most lights on the market today are approved.
Don’t steal the furniture, you will be fined. You would think that would be obvious, but it was explicitly mentioned, so it must happen a lot.
Here are the things you are allowed to do in your housing:
Heat, water, electricity and garbage, as well as wifi are included, with no limits or extra charges, so go crazy. If you don’t share your bedroom with anyone under twenty-one — which is all of the dorms, because people over twenty-one aren’t allowed to live in them — and you’re over twenty-one (obviously) alcohol is permitted in any housing that is not substance free, though kegs are also explicitly banned. Drugs are banned, including weed, as Evergreen receives federal funding. Even though we all know everyone is doing it. Drug paraphernalia is also banned. No, this does not mean your weed leggings, this means pipes, bongs and the like.
Fish are the only permitted pets, and must be in tanks less than 10 gallons. Service animals — which are usually dogs, (but do not have to be) — are allowed. They must be trained to help people with a specific disability. In other words, please don’t try to abuse the rules to sneak your dog in.
Guests are allowed three days and two nights a month of living in your housing, and they must be approved by all of your roommates. Most people probably do not care about this rule, but just in case, be nice to your roommates for that a bi-monthly booty call with that special someone. Want to have an “open door policy” with your roomates? Too bad! You must keep your door locked at all times, while simultaneously making sure it can swing open freely, somehow.
Small outdoor toys are totally allowed, which means ultimate frisbee is so in! but unfortunately, bouncy houses and trampolines are not. WOMP!
If you have less than 40 credits when you first move in, you MUST purchase a meal plan for the whole year. Try to get out of it ASAP: Aramark is known for using prison labor.
The fire safety rules are pretty exhaustive, which is probably for the best, but they can seem a bit absurd at times. The following cooking equipment is banned: gas/propane grills, camp stoves, hot plates, and toaster ovens. Don’t worry, because RAD must give you 24 hours notice before entering your housing. No candles or incense, unless it’s for religious purposes that have been approved by administration. That seems a bit over the top: we should be able to light a candle or two without setting the building on fire. While also being a nearly unavoidable part of life, tangled cords present a fire hazard and are prohibited, but keep this in mind if RAD is coming in to your housing.
The rules about space heaters are pretty specific, like eerily specific. They must be: “electric with an adjustable thermostat, overheat protection, tip-over protection, an intact power cord and plug, a handle or hand holds for carrying.” Wow! That is specific. If only they could be more specific about what the hell UL-approved means. If a fire alarm goes off, you have to leave the building. You will be punished if you don’t.
Finally, some more general rules that apply to all students. According to the student conduct code, “The indecent exposure of a person’s genitals when done in a place where such exposure is likely to be an offense against generally accepted standards of decency” is prohibited, so, you know, don’t pull your junk out in public. Smoking is not allowed in buildings, there are designated smoking areas dotted around campus, which are for some reason closed during quiet hours.; Also, don’t you dare do it in your housing, or be prepared for yet more fines. YAY!
That’s pretty much all you need to know. Enjoy your year at Evergreen, trying to avoid breaking all these stupid, sometimes overly specific, sometimes way too vague rules.
