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Body Party! Help!
No matter what I do, everything gives me a UTI!! It goes away after a few days usually but I’m so sick of the burning, straining, and azo! What am I doing wrong?? How do I make it stop?!
-UTI4CPJ
Hello UTI4CPJ!
Wow, this sucks. Having a UTI sucks! But fear not, it’s common as heck. As a professional UTI-haver and WebMD extraordinaire, I have a few tips and tricks to keep your pee breaks feeling great. And before we get too far I’ve got to remind you all, I’m not a doctor! I go to Evergreen! I am in no way qualified to give medical advice and this column is not a clinic and should NEVER stand in for real medical care.
For those reading and don’t know what a UTI is, fuck you. Haha, just kidding :-) UTI stands for urinary tract infection. It’s a painful infection that happens when bacteria attaches to your urinary tract, the part of your urinary system that is past the bladder and is the last passage your piss goes through until it is one with the toilet water. Because it’s the section between the inside of your body and the outside world, it’s super easy for sneaky bacteria to get all up in there if you’re not careful. When this happens, you’ll know by symptoms like cloudiness in your urine, a bad or irregular smell, burning when you go, frequency, and feeling like no matter what your bladder just can’t be purged of those last horrible drops. It’s really the fucking worst.
But! Knowing is the first step! What should you do once you HAVE a UTI? Honestly, go to the doctor. But if you can’t right now for whatever reason, you can try a few things first. The absolute most important thing to do once it feels even a tiny little bit weird is DRINK WATER! This is just generally a good tip, but especially when you have a UTI because it helps “flush out” the bacteria, so to speak. Keeping hydrated also will help your body do all of its healing and immune jobs better. I don’t know how, though, because I’m not a doctor.
There are some over the counter remedies that can help ease the sensation of passing tacks. You can buy a medicine called Phenazopyridine which is a dye that doubles as a painkiller which soothes the lining of your poor urinary tract. As a fun side effect, it also makes you pee bright red (which is pretty metal).
If you’re really trying to go hard, there are also some herbal remedies that may or may not help, depending on who you ask. Things like usnea, echinacea, and cranberry tinctures and teas have some sort of sketchy research which says they really might but also really might not help. So, uh, do with that what you will. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.
My ambiguous and unreliable advice aside, there are also ways to help make sure you don’t get a UTI that I am way more confident in. First again is drinking water because of course if you’re always peeing the right amount, bacteria can’t go on in there rent free. You should also make sure to change your underwear often, which should go without saying. Try to wear breathable fabrics like cotton in order to keep things dry and healthy “down there”. Make sure to wipe front to back. And always, ALWAYS pee after you have sex! Of any sort! It’s just good practice.
If after all of that grief, all of that water, and all of that precautionary peeing you still feel like you have a UTI, please go seek medical attention. I can’t stress this enough. The longer you have a UTI that goes untreated, the longer the bacteria is just living inside your body and fucking shit up. The more shit gets fucked up, the harder it will be to get rid of the infection, and the more antibiotics you’ll have to take. Moreover, the longer you let these little fuckers live rent free, the longer they have time to move up your urinary tract. You know what’s past your urinary tract? I didn’t because I go here, so I googled it. Google told me first the infection will spread to you bladder (which is super painful), and then, ultimately, your UTI will become a kidney infection. You’ll get a fever, chills, you might throw up. This is because a kidney infection is super serious and your body NEEDS your kidneys. If you have ANY of those symptoms, go to the emergency room. Not to sound dark, but if you leave a UTI untreated it very well can lead to your death. And wouldn’t that be such a bummer way to die?
Haha, uh, anyway! Stay safe out there! Pee well! Love ya!,
Body Party
