BY DJ PFEIFLE
We all know the Greenery doesn’t have the best food, but what is the best of the worst exactly?
For you, dear reader, I embarked on a tireless journey to the Greenery to help you all understand what is good and what is bad. To make things simple, I’ve divided the food into four distinct categories: excellent, good, safe, and risky.
Before we begin, if you have an allergy please for the love of yourself and your doctor, remember to read the nutrition labels. The Greenery does not always mark allergens on their food, even though they probably should.
Excellent food in The Greenery is food that is generally better than the typical available in the Greenery. This food is available on a rotating basis — usually weekly — so you should get your fill while you can. In this category we have tater tots, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, and curly fries. Basically anything fried that is not usually available.
The tater tots are satisfyingly crunchy and are, interestingly, more often available at breakfast instead of lunch as a replacement for hash browns. Curly fries, on the other hand, are better than standard fries because they are well seasoned, and have a better texture than the regular ones. The chicken nuggets are possibly the best thing available in the Greenery: they are crunchy and have a good flavor (tastes like chicken, which it should in this case). The corn dogs are just nice because it’s a change-up from the standard burger.
Good greenery food is your standard fare, what is available daily that is not too good, but not too bad. Here we have pizza, burgers, fries, and the salad bar. Pretty much all drinks, breakfast foods, and desserts also fall into this category.
The pizza is actually really good until you get to the crust. The crust is really dry and flavorless. Protip: leave a little of the actual pizza on the end or dunk it in ranch to make the crust taste better. Burgers are very okay. There are usually chicken and hamburgers. They’re not great, but fine.
You can also order a vegan burger, garden burger, grilled cheese, or no cheese burger at the counter where the burgers are served by asking whoever is back there to hook you up. The fries, while tasteless, are well cooked. With a little ketchup or salt they’re a nice compliment to just about anything.
The salad bar is possibly the best thing available daily, so if you want something good, it’s a nice failsafe (it’s off to the left by the dessert and soups if you still haven’t found it).
Desserts are very hit or miss, but none of them are terrible. The cookies are dry but they taste good, and any of the cakes are usually fine.
The safe category refers to any foods that are rotated daily, and are generally tolerable. In this category we have the sandwiches and wraps, along with soups. The sandwiches and wraps are usually flavorful and well seasoned; on occasion they are a bit dry. The soups, while not amazing, are generally on the decent side of things. There’s two options daily, so you’ll probably like one of them okay.
Finally, there is the risky category. These are foods that are rotated, on a daily basis, and are usually bad, but there are some gems hiding in there. This mostly applies to the foods the Greenery labels “international.” These are usually bland, and are very americanized versions of what they are trying to make. Additionally, anything that is not “white American” food is marked “international,” which is bad. The pasta is often pretty good, though.
