Hello! Welcome to BODY PARTY, a space to talk about sex, relationships, health, identity, and being a freak! Each week, our anonymous resident Body Partier will take YOUR questions and answer them, judgement free! To have your questions answered in print, send us a Q at ask.fm/CPJBodyParty!
I have a problem. I met this really cute, sweet, tall boy who really, really makes me happy. When we spend time together I feel so sweet and nice and by the time we have to part ways, I get so bummed out. The thing is, I feel like things are going too fast … Not because of him, but because of me! Every time I meet someone new and we start being sweet on each other, I get way too attached. I don’t want to freak him out, and more so I don’t want to set myself up for failure if something goes wrong! What do I do?
-A Big Mood for a Big Dude
Hello Big Mood!
Isn’t it the worst? To love and be loved in return? To yearn for human intimacy, to crave to be seen, only to remain alone and individual at the end of the day? As much as we want to know others, we never truly will. We are born alone and, as such, we will die.
Haha, what a bummer! I totally hear you, though. Feeling such big feelings – no matter what they are – can be really freaky, and scary, and turn into something bigger than what they really are, really, really fast. Not knowing what to do with these feelings of fondness can lead to feeling frustrated and insecure. When we’re feeling these huge emotions and don’t know what to do the size of them, the intensity can quickly start to feel wild or unruly. To add to it all, feelings like crushes, sweetness, and longing can all be very vulnerable and leave us feeling soft and exposed. What starts as such a lovely and cutie mood can quickly snowball into a big mess of freaky doubt and angst. What’s up with that?
As scary as these can feel, I have a secret for you, Big Mood. A life hack, if you will. It’s maybe shocking and it’s maybe hard to hear, so brace yourself. Here we go: they’re just feelings! That sounds obvious, I know, but hear me out. As big as they feel, as freaky as they feel, feelings are different from reality. Obviously, right? But the sooner you practice making this differentiation in your mind, the sooner you’ll be feeling better. Maybe? Let me explain.
The feelings we feel are different than an event or a thing in the world. For example, when I’m hangin’ with my sweety and they say they want to spend the night alone so they can finally do some homework, this makes me feel so majorly bummed. But there’s more to it, you know? I feel bummed, but I also feel maybe disappointed because I planned to stay the night there. Maybe I feel overlooked because I really want them to WANT to hang out with me, more than they want to write their essay even. I want attention, I want affection, I want affirmation! I want to make out! This is unfair.
But is it? This is where the distinction comes in for me. These wild-ass feelings make me think “Jeez, Body Parts, you’re being a freak! You’re too attached, you clingy animal! You always to this. A make out feind on the loose!” but that’s neither useful to think to myself, nor is it kind. So I stop!
Instead, I try to think of what’s really going on in the most objective way possible. My sweety isn’t saying they hate me, they’re not saying they hate hanging out or that I’m freaking them out by being too much. What they ARE doing is giving me a gift by letting me know what their boundary is. They’re even letting me know where they’re at by telling me that they just need space to write an essay, not because they think I smell or something. If they did think that, I know they’d tell me that. Until then, it’s super unfair to turn the situation into something it’s not.
It has got to be okay for a sweety to draw a boundary in your relationship without it turning into an event, even if the event is an inward one. You know? It’s good for you both to try really hard to not take a “no” personally. A “no” is a gift!
Next, I try really hard to figure out why I’m really feeling these things, if not because of this situation. I love hanging out with my sweety, but I really am feeling disappointed and overlooked. Not because they’re asking for some space, but because I really hate changes in plans and I really run on compliments. Maybe a personal issue, but whatever? What can I do to help those feelings? I can ask them what they think is cute about me :///) and I can ask for a little more notice when we change plans. Now, instead of spiralling into some weird depression hole when I go home, filled with dread and clingy shame, I can let my cutie know how I’m feeling and what I’m needing. They can use these loving tools to help build our relationship and I don’t have to be a fucking freak about everything all the time. Everyone wins!
In short, Big Mood, it might be a good practice to see why you’re feeling like too attached. What are you scared of? What are you wanting? Are those expectations reasonable? And if not, how can you confront these feelings and negotiate them to be something that is good for you and good for your relationship? Hm! It’s easy once you get the hang of it. Trust me! And if you ever need to talk, you can always come by the CPJ office and I can make you coffee! Because I love ya~
Text me soon!,
Body Party
