Jack’s Food Hack: Gluten ‘Free’
Tired of the interminable supply of Greenery cookies? Ask for the gluten free dessert.
Georgie’s Food Hack: Really cheap pho!
The cheapest pho ever is at Capitol Market in the middle of the West Side. For about two dollars you can purchase a can of pho broth that tastes exactly like the best pho you can get for two dollars. They also sell pho noodles for about $1.50 a pack, and the can and the noodles should be enough for up to three bowls of pho, meaning you can cure your shitty hangover / cold / sadness for about $1 a bowl. If you’re looking to splurge, they also sell all the ingredients for bánh mì. You can also pop across the street to Grocery Outlet for veggies and other tidbits to add in. This meal is great for people in dorm rooms or those experiencing the SADs because you don’t even have to cook the noodles, you can just put them in the broth and stick them in the microwave for a few minutes.
Steph’s Food Hack: College student shakshouka.
A bunch of tomato sauce. Some eggs (or some fake vegan hippy eggs if that floats your goat). Any and every spice or hot sauce you can find, in whatever quantity. Add cheese or vegetables or something if you want. You know what you like. What am I, your mother?
If you don’t have a stove, pour everything except the eggs in a bowl, then crack the eggs on top of the tomato mess. Don’t break the yolks. Let ‘em kinda float there. Cover the bowl and stick it in the microwave for a minute or two. If you care about making sure it doesn’t explode, you can stop the microwave every twenty or thirty seconds and check on the eggs. If you prefer to live dangerously, that is also fine. After two minutes, if the eggs don’t seem done, you can put them back in. It’ll probably be fine tho. Eat quickly before the unnatural rubbery texture fully registers.
If you do have a stove, similar deal. Pour everything but the eggs in a small pot or a pan you have a lid for. Bring it to a simmer on medium-ish heat, then add the eggs and stick the lid on it. Just kinda check on it whenever you feel like you should. When your heart tells you that it looks done, it’s done. Pour it in a bowl and eat. You can wait for it to cool down first if you’re a coward.
Maybe serve with rice or garlic bread for a fancier-pants dining experience.
DJ’s Food Hack: Ironing board grilled cheese.
Living in a dorm and don’t have access to a stove? Here’s a ridiculous way to make a grilled cheese sandwich! Tools required, an ironing board, an iron, and some tinfoil. Simply put your cheese, bread, and other fillings together, wrap it all in tinfoil. Then iron on each side for 30 – 45 seconds. Viola! You have yourself a wonderful cheapo college snack, complete with all the fat and calories of a regular grilled cheese! (You may need to tweak the time and power level a bit to find the sweet spot).
You could also get a sandwich press, and if you don’t mind waffle marks, you can use a waffle iron too (but that’s no fun). Waffle Irons also work great for quesadillas, burger patties, and it sometimes works with cookie dough, but half the time you end up with burnt cookie crumbs. Make sure to clean your waffle iron iron if you do this garbage, because otherwise you’ll be setting off the smoke alarm with three month old grilled cheese embers.
Daniel’s Food Hack: Vegan toaster burger.
It’s midnight. You’re three beers and four bongs deep. You’ve got a real bad hankering for a veggie burger. As bad as someone can have a hankering for a veggie burger. The patties are in your freezer, but you don’t want to start sizzling on the stove or heating up the oven as your roommates are fast asleep and you definitely don’t want to start wiping grease off the stove at midnight-thirty.
It’s time to break out the toaster.
You can cook your buns (bread) and your veggies at the same time. Sourdough bread, veggie patty, Trader Joe’s caramelized onion cheddar, maybe some onion and leafy greens if you want to convince yourself that you’ve eaten something healthy. Stick one slice of bread and your patty in there, then flip the patty and exchange the bread when it’s popped. Or, if you’ve lucked your way into a 4-slice toaster, get it all done at once. BONUS: All the crumbs in the toaster disappear until your cleanest roommate finally gets around to cleaning up the damn thing after your place smells like ass everytime you make a toaster strudel.
Mariah’s food hack: Sugar daddy surprise.
You look really cute and are very nice to people. One day a 45 year old man who you are nice to will ask to take you to dinner. You say yes. He doesn’t tell you where you are going and then you end up going to eat at the nicest place in a 100 mile radius and he orders a $100 steak for you. Then you get dropped off at your house and tell him goodnight.
Works like a charm.
