By Marta Tahja-Syrett
This story is part of our April 1 edition.
Since its establishment in 1967, The Evergreen State College has not once waned from its consistently favorable position in the public eye. Evergreen is a college renowned for its remarkable public relations, lack of hipster clientele, and ample faculty pay. The school also boasts of its student population, a group of individuals prized for their academic diligence. The Evergreen State College’s undeniable success has led it to be recognized as the United State’s top-ranking institution of higher education. In 2019, Evergreen is once again stunning the nation with the fruits of its labor.
Since its establishment in 1967, The Evergreen State College has not once waned from its consistently favorable position in the public eye. Evergreen is a college renowned for its remarkable public relations, lack of hipster clientele, and ample faculty pay. The school also boasts of its student population, a group of individuals prized for their academic diligence. The Evergreen State College’s undeniable success has led it to be recognized as the United State’s top-ranking institution of higher education. In 2019, Evergreen is once again stunning the nation with the fruits of its labor.
Many people attribute the college’s first-rate nomination to its rigorous acceptance rate, traditional methods of pedagogy, and Evergreen’s victorious mission to abolish all bigotry (which, in turn, fosters the tranquil atmosphere of the campus). According to U.S. News, Evergreen shockingly admits only 96 percent of its applicants. Evergreen’s website also reports that the school requires transfer students to have a GPA minimum of 2.0 to apply. Because of Evergreen’s extreme selectiveness, the college’s student body is composed solely of intellectual masterminds. At this institution, one will never stumble upon marijuana-induced conversations surrounding self-identification with the feline specimen. Phrases such as “I identify as a cat” are snuffed out long before reaching the brilliance of Evergreen’s air; the students of this college demonstrate only the utmost levels of professionalism when conversing with one another (especially in the cafeteria, the mess-hall of highbrow debate).
The Evergreen State College follows a strict, conventional teaching itinerary. Students at this establishment are never caught between the marijuana-induced mitts of procrastination—every assignment here is turned in well before the college’s impassable deadlines. Each professor at this institution honors singular subject instruction, leaving the college entirely free of interdisciplinary education. This has proven to be an extremely effective teaching style, as studies now show that people in the real world don’t actually need critical thinking skills to be successful. Integrative learning has completely proven itself to be a wasted effort in recent years, due to our new understanding that all of life’s occurrences exist completely removed from one another.
Without the excellent teaching capabilities of Evergreen faculty, such conventional wisdom would fail to thrive on this campus of traditionalism. Perhaps the reason that Evergreen is able to retain such noteworthy professors is its extremely generous pay. According to Evergreen’s website, last year faculty with a Master’s degree were paid a whopping $40,513 during their first year of teaching. Each year, Evergreen professors are provided with a substantial salary increase, as well — a nice incentive, totaling to a grand $91,324 after 60 years in the field (which is only $98,901 less than the salary of an average University of British Columbia professor, according to the University of British Columbia’s website).
The Evergreen State College has also earned its status of reputability by promoting a campus-wide climate of peace. Both Evergreen’s attendants and faculty members abide by the school’s rarely-mentioned code of conduct, which includes inclusivity, open-mindedness, and the obliteration of all forms of bias (especially bias in the form of a Caucasian-hipster-savior archetype). Hypocrisy never seeps through the cracks of this perfect little western Washington institution, where rain falls daily, wiping away all of the school’s non-existent failures.
