This story is a part of our April 1 edition.
Aries (March 21- April 20):
Your horoscope: IT’S ARIES SZN GET READY
You: OH FORK YEAH IT IS
Taurus (April 21- May 21):
Your horoscope: Now that it is Aries season…
You: Oh no, my roommate’s birthday is this month. They’re an Aries. I’m gonna have to move.
Gemini (May 22- June 21):
Your horoscope: Mercury is in retrograde so all your crazy anxiety and self doubt are about to hit you hard
You: *posts on twitter* It’s about to get liittttyyy up in heree
Cancer (June 22- July 22):
Your horscope: Powerful Uranus and Confident Mars are aligning this week…
You: *Laughs* They said Uranus
Leo (July 23- August 21):
Your horscope: Life was meant to be enjoyed
You: “I need to cancel my math class ASAP”
Virgo (August 22- September 23):
Your horoscope: You are mean and have no friends.
You: Harsh but true.
Libra (September 24- October 23):
Your horoscope: This is a time for singleness, end all romantic relationships for the time being.
You: Calls partner immediately “I’m sorry we have to get a divorce, my horoscope said it’s not in the stars”
Scorpio (October 24- November 22):
Your horoscope: Something that you can’t really relate to
You: “Well I heard you’re suppose to look at the one after your sign to really get the truest horoscope”
Sagittarius (November 23- December 22):
Your horoscope: The moon and stars they wept, the morning star was dead…
You: That is so deep.
Capricorn (December 23- January 20):
Your horoscope: Don’t be naive this week and listen to what everyone tells you
You: Okay I need to listen to this. This stranger is correct.
Aquarius (January 21- February 19):
Your horoscope: Some people are mean, don’t be like them.
You: WOW… WOW… I mean how do they ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT
Pisces (February 20- March 20):
Your horoscope: You deserve to breathe
You: OH MY GOD… that is so true, starts emotionally crying and fanning face in hopes that the wind will dry tears before ruining makeup.
