Thank you for visiting our beautiful campus and leaving. We know that your visit wasn’t all that you hoped it would be. Word on the street was that your team of pseudo-reporters were in search of pussy, among other things. Unfortunately, the college’s administration is busy typing cliché PSAs and doesn’t have time to include a pet shelter on campus. So no kitty cats for you.
Fortunately for people like you, people embarrassed by their dinky dicks and big dreams, Evergreen is a place to find a little bit of everything, even if your personalities are as uninteresting as stale unbuttered white bread.
According to you, there is “no better time than fall on a college campus. The chicks wanna fuck, the guys wanna drink. Everybody has been cooped up at home all summer.” Greeners on campus couldn’t agree more! After a study session of “Do Divine Daddy Demagogues Have Bowel Movements: From Kim Jong Un to Donald J. Trump” and “How to Write a Manifesto: Communist, Fascist, Socialist, & Homo,” we love to go around in search of parties. But we do things a bit different here, as I’m sure you’ve heard, and that includes having fun. It’s unfortunate you didn’t come across any of the witch coven orgies in the woods. We can’t believe that you traveled so far to see us and didn’t get laid! Take it from us; kicking off fall quarter by sucking fat witch cock is delicious, like pumpkin spice lattes. It’s a seasonal thing.
Then again, we are aware of your incapability of conducting serious research, so we don’t blame you for missing out on the fun around these parts.
If you’re ever interested in education, like learning about legitimate reporting, Evergreen has options for you! Think about it. Every day you take another step away from your true ambitions and closer to your meaningless graves. Nobody wants that for you—well, not everybody. At any rate, by gaining basic skills, like hygiene or fact-checking, you won’t have to smell like shit anymore. Yes, you smell like shit. Students on campus noticed the scent of fresh feces wafting around them as soon as your team approached them. They attributed it to the internalized homophobia that you express with skid marks, a medium too avant-garde even for us. So, consider educating yourself and letting a tiny bit of water caress your anal glands, will you?
While we’re on the topic of internalized homophobia, your team, on your cute little podcast, made jokes about sucking genitals… a lot. Look, no judgment, all right? Leo, you’re entirely right; semen is good for the skin! (We’re glad you’ve shared your secrets on how you maintain such beautiful skin, by the way.) Anyway, do you want some advice that’ll break the ice for you guys? Just suck each other off already. Just go right out and say, “I want that tinee peenie weenie in my mouth!” It’ll work like a charm! When you muck up the courage to let your homosexual needs be met, you’ll no longer have to waste time cruising Evergreen. The tension that hangs in the air between you guys is so noticeable that students on campus have already started drawing fan art to send you. Just fuck, but wash your buttholes before you do, okay? Or are you into that too? Again, no shame.
If you ever find yourselves on campus again, don’t forget to visit the Greener Bookstore!
Sincerely,
Pseudo Nym
