It seems like some students at The Evergreen State College are taking the immortal orders of our school’s fight song to “swivel about,” and “let it all hang,” out all too seriously. Revolutionary new technology is now allowing human geoducks to become actual geoducks.
Thorn Foster, who lists their inspirations as “Cronenberg’s The Fly,” and “that one episode of The Magic School Bus where the kids are turned into weird little clams,” says they created the technology when he realized that life would be so much simpler as a geoduck. I sat down with them to tease out details of this seemingly miraculous, if unsettling, innovation.
HW: I’m curious, how does this technology work?
TF: Oh a gentleman never tells (laughter)
HW: Okay… but I’m sure our readers at the CPJ want details on how this whole thing works.
TF: Lets just say it uses a lot of fluid (again, laughter)
HW: So why do you want to turn people into geoducks, if you don’t mind me asking?
TF: Not at all, I think this is a dream many people have. I think of myself as an artist, I’m just making dreams into reality.
HW: Have you had many volunteers?
TF: Oh yes, yes, many volunteers, many volunteers.
HW: Uh huh
Foster then spent the rest of the interview diverting attention to several before and after pictures as well as anonymous testimonials to the effect of “I always wanted to be a mollusk, Thorn Foster is a genius (and pretty cute too).” While it was true that Thorn had that soft butch charm, with their slightly fluffy brown hair and hand-embroidered lab coat, I was suspicious of these testimonials as geoducks famously do not have hands with which to write a testimonial. The before and after pictures also had what might have been watermarks. Foster also submitted this graphic:
Seemingly compelling evidence, but some say not all who have undergone “Speedyfication,” as it has now begun to be called, have done so of their own accord. “Mab didn’t even like geoducks that much,” Andrea Pearl said about her roommate who recently had the operation done. “Like, she thought they were a cool mascot, or a funny mascot, I really don’t think we talked about it that much. It’s like one day I suddenly didn’t have my friend anymore.” Andrea says that she believes Mab was somehow coerced into the transformation. “I really don’t think she would have wanted to be a really phallic shaped clam. I’m just sad because she used to be so fun, like we would go to bars on the weekends and now all she wants to do is lay around all day… and dig really deep into the sand… and filter feed.” Andrea began to cry at this. I left because it was, in technical terms, messing with my vibes to an extreme degree.
I reached out to Mab the geoduck on this issue. To my delight, she accepted my invitation to interview her. Below is the profound conversation we had:
HW: How do you feel now that you’re a geoduck?
Mab: squishhh
HW: I see, and how has this affected your social life?
Mab: hisssdhlhfseeeee
HW: I have to say that truly is thought-provoking, I truly didn’t think about that before.
Mab: squish splishsss
HW: Ah, that makes sense. And what do you have to say to the rumors that you didn’t really like geoducks before?
Mab: (violent and profane squelching sounds)
HW: Wow, I really don’t know if they’ll let me publish that.
Mab: (apologetic squelch)
HW: Oh no worries, you were just speaking your truth. Now, I think my readers really want to know this one: do you have a girlfriend?
Mab: squishhheeeeee
HW: Oh my, well you heard it here folks!
Opinions on this issue seem to vary among the student population. “Wow, like a full on geoduck? Wow, that’s interesting,” a greener said when asked for an opinion on this recent development.
“ I just don’t understand it,” a member of the Evergreen Furry Club told the CPJ, “why a geoduck, I mean why not something cool like a wolf or something?”
“I’m so tired of people stealing my style these days,” said Speedy in a private rendezvous in the basement of the Daniel J. Evans Library. “Being gooey is my thing, come on.”
“Dude this is totally a prank,” an ill-informed student decried slanderously. “You’re seriously not gonna [sic] publish this are you? This is a total joke.” I was aback at this accusation. The prestigious and extremely Cooper Point Journal would never stoop to publish anything as a joke. I shudder to think at the possibility of the good name of this publication being dragged down to the level of humor.
Next month: find out if you turned into a worm would your partner really still like you? The statistics may surprise you, especially study #5
