A bargain bin cassette review by Hero Winsor
Instead of bringing you my usual fare of science articles and well-labeled fake news, I’m breaking from the form and giving a review of tapes I found for 25 cents each at Half Price Books. Most of these I selected solely based on the cover art and how batshit insane I expected them to be. Knockoff walkman in hand, I set out to truly do justice to these cassettes.
Quest for the Grail- Chris Green (New World Music, 1996)
I had high hopes for this tape, I really did. I was expecting maybe some grand yet cheesy “medieval inspired” tracks and yet all I received was some very bland new-agey sounds. By no means do I recommend going on a homoerotic quest with this playing in the background. Don’t pop this tape in and expect it to “stir memories of the captivating splendour of ancient lands, epic journeys and gallant legends,” as the insert claims. These are LIES I tell you, LIES.
0/10: …for shame, for shame
The Leavenworth Handbell Choir (1983)
Oh god, I just listened to like, an hour of handbells. Maybe this was a bad idea. This sounds like my great grandma’s clock. None of this translates well to cassette. The high pitches just sound so screechy. This was genuinely the most painful tape to listen to. I fear I have made a mistake.
-10/10: a loving god would not allow this
Candlelight Classics: The World’s Most Beautiful Melodies- The London Promenade Orchestra (The Reader’s Digest Association, 1992)
This… this is grocery store music, no way around it. Now this cassette, with a smiling heterosexual couple with outdated hair (for the time even) was unopened when I got my hands on it. Behind the cellophane it called to me. Upon hitting play I was instantly given sensations of faux green velvet, thin layers of dust, and the infomercials of my childhood. Is this an aesthetic? I found myself questioning the inclusion of some of the tracks. While it seems that the original intent would be “romantic classical music,” some songs were just random lullabies. Was the association of candlelight meant to invoke sleep? The world may never know, but it ended with “Lullaby” by Brahms so maybe?
3/10: Best if paired with box wine
Le Mystere Des Voix Bulgares- Bulgaria State Radio and Television Female Vocal Choir (Elektra, 1987)
Okay, this slaps. I listened to it three times in a row all the way through. The strong mid-range vocals using an open throat singing technique is just phenomenal against the complex rhythms. The influence of this music on groups such as experimental dark wave band and one of my faves Dead Can Dance, is undeniable. Unlike “Quest for the Grail,” I would go on an adventure to this music.
10/10: It’s intense, I love it
Mystical Chants- Choir of the Vienna Hoburgkapelle (Special Music Co., 1994)
This one makes me so sad. The cover of this tape is a hooded medieval monk-inspired man faded into a star field. I can feel his mystical chants as he lifts his head upwards. I knew this cassette would solve every problem I have and more. Yet, once I had opened the box, with dismay I beheld no tape. In an instant, my joy at finding the most mystical of chanting available for 25 cents was stripped away. I could have cried. Maybe one day, I will find another copy of this undoubtedly brilliant album.
?/10: probably the best album I’ll never get to hear
Indigo Girls- Indigo Girls (Epic, 1989)
This was a well-loved cassette. The opening song, “Closer to Fine,” was incredibly warped. I can just imagine the lesbian who owned this tape before me, slotting this cassette into a car stereo and listening to this album through loves and losses as many seasons passed, until the songs were unrecognizable. I hope she’s doing alright, I hope she’s proud of me.
10/10: Warps and all, still an amazing album
