By dubiously acclaimed court reporter, Hero Winsor
The sixth amendment of the constitution states the right to a, “speedy and public trial.” At The Evergreen State College, jurisprudential measures have recently been made to follow this amendment to the letter. All campus disputes are now settled by the Honorable Judge Speedy, better known for their work as college mascot and anthropomorphic geoduck. Four cases have already been tried by the bivalve. The cases are real(ly fake). This is Clam Law.
Parking Services vs. Luna M.
A case was brought against student Luna M. for parking in multiple spaces. The defendant claims that because parking passes have gone up 60% since last year, she should be able to park in 60% more of a space. In order to do so, the defendant has allegedly committed several parking violations including parking sideways in two spaces, leaving doors open while parking over the line and setting up a canopy tent alongside their car. Judge Speedy questioned why parking fees were raised which was met by the representatives of parking services with what can only be described as nervous side-eyes amongst themselves. The plaintiff then claimed that the spaces were 60% more expensive now, vaguely citing inflation. With a series of squelching noises, Judge Speedy ruled in favor of the parking spaces, to the confusion of all involved.
Izzy F. vs. Josh B.
Plaintiff Izzy F. filed a suit against roommate Josh B. for allegedly making their Netflix recommendations “an absolute hellscape filled with scantily clad anime characters.” The plaintiff claims that the defendant watched a large quantity of sexually charged anime shows every moment the plaintiff was not in the shared on-campus apartment. While the plaintiff admitted that they had not seen Josh B. watching anime or anything else on the shared television, they posit that it could not be anyone else. The defense has put forward the theory that someone else has been breaking into the apartment just to watch anime as well as dirtying the dishes that Josh B. had just cleaned and spreading them throughout the apartment. Judge Speedy in their infinite wisdom decided in favor of Izzy F., sentencing the defendant to only watch documentaries about shellfish. Coincidentally, this sentence was also placed on the plaintiff as well as the rest of the student body.
Faculty vs. Nina K.
A subset of faculty filed a dispute against student Nina K. for the serious crime of calling paths of study, “majors.” The audacity of the crime left the courtroom appalled. Even though paths are almost entirely identical to majors at any other school, the faculty screamed “WE DON’T CALL THEM THAT HERE!”
The student was immediately found guilty by the Honorable Judge Speedy and was sentenced to eat nothing but Greenery food for the rest of the academic year.
Parking Services vs. Parking Services
In a stunning turn of events, parking services brought a suit against themself when they ticketed the extra car they decided to buy with the extra money from parking passes. Parking Services then ticketed themselves back for ticketing them. In the courtroom, discussion of the case devolved into parking services billing parking services increasingly large sums of money. Judge Speedy attempted to establish order by siphoning sand on all present. This was unsuccessful and Judge Speedy was forced to dismiss the case as it turned into an ouroboros situation, which falls under snake law.
