by prize-winning teller of truths Hero Winsor
At the most recent trade blanket, Greeners swapped a variety of items. Makeup palettes were exchanged for chachkies, chachkies were traded for ancient cassette tapes. This may seem harmless; however, according to a few students, more sinister items had been obtained during the event. Reportedly a person described as “shrouded in mystery, but with a distinctively cool ponytail” had a selection of innocuous appearing objects in one corner of the Housing Community Center at Evergreen. Only after spending some time with their traded items did they become aware of the true nature of their trades.
Callie Trenton just wanted to get rid of a few pairs of jean shorts and maybe get some cookware. To her surprise, sitting at the blanket of the mysterious person with a cool ponytail was a pasta strainer, something she had been wanting to get since the beginning of the quarter. Silently, apart from a strange scratchy noise emanating from the ponytail wearer’s perpetually open mouth, Callie traded her old shorts for the strainer. Relieved that she wouldn’t have to eat soggy pasta anymore, Callie made spaghetti that very night. Screams were heard from Callie’s roommates that night as, when put into the strainer, the pasta fell through and only the water stayed inside. After initial confusion and fear, Callie and her roommates decided to try this again with various kinds of pasta and found that each had the same effect, whether it was rigatoni or even ravioli. The pasta appears to phase through the solid metal and accordingly works just as well as a strainer. There appears to be no scientific explanation for this phenomenon as all scientists asked to comment got a headache when trying to think about it too hard.
Textbooks are supposed to help one gain knowledge on a subject, but the Organic Chemistry textbook Pat G. traded a snowglobe for has reportedly “made the subject far more confusing.” While Pat thought they knew how to name organic compounds based on their functional groups and correctly identify the stereochemistry of asymmetric carbons, Pat now is questioning everything they thought they knew. “I don’t even know what an alkene is anymore,” they said mournfully, “And I can’t understand any units other than kilocalories, I never need to use kilocalories!?” Hopefully Pat will be able to understand Organic Chemistry again, but in the meantime, we at the Cooper Point Journal advise against using textbooks when confused about course material.
Cowboy hats are certifiably cool, but the one Leo Lucas traded a pair of asterisk-shaped sunglasses for came with unexpected consequences. According to Lucas, the hat took effect almost instantaneously after putting it on. They felt the sudden urge to eat a whole can of baked beans. In the next few hours, Leo would consume 9 cans of baked beans, some heated, some cold. Lucas has also been unable to remove the hat, and the cans of baked beans have begun to form a wall around the student. Through tears, Lucas informed us that he is both “rootin’,” and “tootin’.” They will later appear on Dr. Phil to confront this addiction to legumes.
Perhaps the most mysterious object that the ponytail wearer brought to trade was a simple slip of paper with the words “One human soul,” written in comic sans. Rowan M. reportedly had little interest in owning a human soul but decided to trade a few stickers for it. While so far the paper has no known link to an actual human soul, the Comic Sans font used seems to give off an ominous aura, even more than Comic Sans usually imparts. Doubtless, a terrible act has taken place to make this font so disturbing.
While it is unknown if the mysterious person with a ponytail will return, if you want the chance to obtain cursed objects, you might want to attend the next trade blanket.
